The 213 Things Zack Fair Is No Longer Allowed To Do.

1.) Not allowed to watch Midgar’s Funniest Home Videos when I’m supposed to be working, even if it is that doctored home video of Genesis and a dildo suit.

2. My proper military title is “Zack Fair, SOLDIER Second Class” not “Princess Zacktasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic materia.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic materia by asking for hair.

5.  This is doubled when asking for Sephiroth’s hair.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer’s ass ever again.

7. Not allowed to solemnly add “in accordance with The Prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to Wanted posters.

9. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants, no matter how much I think the First Class SOLDIERs will like them.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s life energy on duty.

11. Not allowed to join the Turks, no matter how Reno tries to persuade me.

12. Not allowed to join any anti-Shinra militia.

13. Not allowed to form any anti-Shinra militia named after major natural disasters, even if their leader with the hippie name is hot.

14. Not allowed out of my office when Rufus Shinra visits.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Luxiere!”

16. Must get a haircut even if tampers with my “Samson-like powers”.

17. The Goddess may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I’m right.

20. Must not taunt the Turks any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize the Turks.

22. Must never call Tseng a “wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking weed.

24. Must not ask aforementioned officers for some of that weed.

25. Never confuse a straight soldier for a gay one. There are consequences.

26. Never tell a trainee SOLDIER to “drop the soap in the showers and wait for a surprise.”

27. Don’t tell Octopussy jokes in front of Hojo.

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other SOLDIERs alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times.)

29. Reeve is not after “me frosted Lucky Charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake up Lazard by repeatedly banging on his head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations.

36. I am certainly not allowed to have annoying flashbacks to wars I was not in.

37. Our Head of Science is called “Professor Hojo” not “Doctor Feelgood”.

38. Our Director of SOLDIER is “Lazard” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end today, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers. Neither does my hair.

41. “Keep on Truckin’” is not a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not allowed to smear myself with Day-Glo markers and pronounce that I am the Messiah sent from the Lifestream.

45. I am not allowed to “go to the mess hall and shake Daddy’s little money maker for Gil stuffed into my G-string”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not King of the Chocobos.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade materia for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “take that, Cobra!” in training sessions.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket” in training sessions.

54. “Mako poisoning to kids!” is not a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “put kiwi on my boots” does not involve fruit.

56. An order to “make my boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to being given a mission is not “Do I have to?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence – Sexual lubrication, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, JENOVA is a MILF, all SOLDIERs are latent homosexuals, erotica tapioca, Wutaiian hooker, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid tentacles.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one SOLDIER has a 2nd Lieutenant bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. “It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Zack Fair.

63. Command decisions do not need to be ratified by a two thirds majority.

64. Inflatable Moogles do not entitle me to Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. I should stop checking under my bed.

67. I am not Shinra’s Official Mascot.

68. I may not line my training helmet with tin foil to “block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be Darth Vader while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication or swap Elena’s and Cissnei’s birth control pills with Tic-Tacs.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command, even if I know they want it really.

72. May not wear masks while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “au natural”.

74. Make up is not camouflage… make up.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is not a cadence.

77. The Shinra military checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not wave my hand and tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the SOLDIER/Turk formal dance.

82. May not dress up as a drag queen to the SOLDIER/Turk formal dance.

83. Must not start any SITREP with “weather is crap.”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “squish” things.

85. Not allowed to “accidentally” leak naked photos of Sephiroth to the Midgar Times.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honour”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to Sephiroth as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to Genesis as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable Moogles do not need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate a world war.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny. Tear gas is hilarious.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off Hojo, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck zombies” is not a nice way to describe anyone living in Rocket Town.

97. Bahamut does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a WEAPON attack is not “THE SKY IS FALLING!”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy and it is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.

101. I am not allowed to use bayonets as kebab skewers.

102. Chocobos are not entitled to burial with full military honours, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. Hollander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food colouring, and a “Cool Mint” mouthwash bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: cigarettes, booze, sexual favours, prostitutes, small children or bootleg DVD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat and exceptionally stupid.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Edge.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct Kunsel about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any armoured vehicles for fear of mistaking them for Autobots and Decepticons.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to copy the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. This is extended to times when I cannot hear the song “Hot Stuff” but strip anyway.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying Cait Sith - bad idea.

117. Must not use Turk equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material in Shinra’s labs are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked and shake my sword around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. A briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off colour joke.

121. I should not use Shinra resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive mako should not be stored in the SOLDIER barracks.

123. I should not teach other SOLDIERs to say offensive and crude things in Wutaiian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s IV drip is acceptable.

128. “Clusterfuck” is not a real word.

129. Reeve’s Magic 8 Ball is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m soooooo drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a pornographic movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Wutaiian uniform, partly naked and messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach Aeris how to make incendiary bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell my virginity.

141. Not allowed to use my sword to disprove the saying “the pen is mightier than the sword”.

142. Even if Angeal does think it’s funny.

143. I do not need to keep a “No Solicitors” sign by my window.

144. Chocolate body paint is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food colouring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food colouring and scream during a urine test.

147. I should not threaten suicide with Pop Rocks and Coke.

148. Putting red Skittles into a prescription medicine bottle and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not insist that everyone in SOLDIER take my Cosmo Girl “Are you flirty, thirty and single?” quiz.

150. When asked to salute to my higher ranked officers, this isn’t an excuse to drop my pants and salute them with my penis.

151. The proper way to report to Director Lazard is “Zack Fair, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: the limited edition sequel to “Loveless”, the keys to the locked janitorial closet, Hollander’s penis or the fourth CD in my Johnny Cash album.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the mutant chamber”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength spicy hot.

155. Teaching slum children to taunt the Turks is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in SOLDIER uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. Even while detained by Turks, asking for a strip search is still inexcusable.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Trying to body check General Sephiroth is a bad idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that lipstick off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-Tonberry.

165. I do not get “that time of month” and asking for tampons from Cissnei then shoving them up my nose is not funny.

166. No, the pants are not optional, except while around Angeal.

167. Not allowed to operate an illegal movie studio out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they are “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to the enemy side during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the Turk’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. My Furby is not allowed into classified areas.

175. Angeal does not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts” and I should stop implying that he does.

176.  Even if the mental images keep me company at night.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingy”.

178. I am not “a lesbian trapped in a man’s body”, however much I protest and make obscene gesticulations to indicate so.

179. On the Shinra SOLDIER census, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Unknown”.

181. Pokémon Trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counselling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.

184. When operating a military vehicle, I may not attempt something “I saw in one of Reeve’s cartoons”.

185. My name is not a killing word, curse word or the beginning of an incantation to end the world, however much I would like that.

186. I am not the Emperor of Gaia.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal with cigarettes.

188. I must not tell haphazard people to lick my boots.

189. Do not dare Third Class SOLDIER trainees to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not stick marshmallows on my hair spikes, hover it over a fire and attempt to make smores.

191. Our training robots cannot all be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. Neither is “And how do you feel about that?”

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command when they’re indulging in “warrior’s comfort”.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to ask what the hell “warrior’s comfort” is.

197. I shouldn’t laugh myself into a coma after knowing what “warrior’s comfort” is.

198. I am not allowed to give tattoos or piercings.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable Moogle, and a box of rubber bands in my locker.

201. Must not valiantly push Luxiere onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer Gaia with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give to Director Lazard.

204. Never nail a stuffed Chocobo to a cross and put it up in front of the Shinra Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on reports; this includes “broken clutch pedal”, “number three turbine has frequent flame-outs” and “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged.”

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. Gun oil is not a personal lubricant.

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the Turks due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness only.

210. Joining the National Chocobo Protection Society and wearing a hat festooned with feathers is neither funny nor cute.

211. Ordering new trainees that giving Hojo a blowjob is part of their initiation ceremony is neither funny nor accurate.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if Shinra tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince Third Class SOLDIERS that their razor bumps are the result of microscopic parasites.